Fall down seven, get up eight

While it hasn't quite been seven times, I do feel like I've had to get myself back up, dust off the dirt and get back on the road to success.

Much has transpired since my last post.  Just as the redness and puffiness left my eyes from weeping over our chemical, I got an email from my IM.  They'd thought it over and after an answer from the egg donor agency they'd used almost six years before, they wanted to try again.  They found the same donor from their first surrogacy journey and she was willing to donate.  So many emotions swept over me.  To sum them up in a word, I had hope again.

The fast and slow of it was that they had to get the donor screened, approved and her legal work done.  As we had a pretty eventful summer (which included an addition to our family, one Great Dane puppy named Hamlet, countless trips and a foot surgery for my husband) we did not notice how long it took to get everything going for a new cycle.  August was to be our new date and we figuratively tore pages off our calendar until there were only days left.

Eagerly awaiting news of the egg donor's retrieval, we bit our nails until we learned they'd retrieved 13 eggs.  Our happiness was clouded when I started bleeding just a week before our transfer.  I was crushed.  I felt like my body had betrayed me.  I felt guilty and disheartened and I hated to hear the news that we'd be postponing the transfer and freezing the embryos.  I knew J really wanted a fresh transfer and I couldn't help but blame myself for the delay.  Worst of all, no one know why I had started bleeding.

After a bit of pouting and pep talks to each other, J and I decided to look on the bright side.  June wasn't just a month for weddings!  It's one for having babies too.  So, we adjusted our plans and prepared for another month of meds, appointments and waiting.

So here we are.  Nearly ten months after meeting and we are on our second attempt at expanding their family.  We have eight frozen embryos at HRC and all graded excellent or good.  My lining was at a 9.6 as of yesterday and flights and a hotel room have been booked.  We are California bound!  Our transfer is set for September 27th at 10:15AM (PST)

J&D have opted to keep things a little more on the quiet side this time; especially on facebook.  It can feel like salt in the wound when you have to explain things over and over again to those that are only trying to offer their support during a time of sadness and disappointment, so I'm blogging as means to document our journey.

I hope to have news to report by the 2nd of October!  Wish us luck. :)

Sad news

We started getting very faint home pregnancy tests on Thursday (5dp5dt) and they got a little darker each day until Sunday.  IM and I were excited but cautious and so we snuck a beta on Tuesday at 10dp5dt.  We were looking for a range of 50 at the very, very least as the RE wanted levels of at least a 100 at 12dp5dt.  Ours was a 20.  Repeat beta yesterday and it was at a 12.  So, we had a chemical pregnancy. 

I'm tired.  It's been a tiring week of hoping and then getting scared and hoping again and getting scared and then the last part was just drawn out longer than it should've been and so when we got results today, it was expected, but not that much less of a pill to swallow.  These were the last two embryos of 7 and my IPs had hopes and dreams for them and now that's gone. 

So, that's how this chapter of our story ends.  Thank you for being so supportive of us. Above all, my IM and I are so happy to have found each other and that if we had to go through this, that it was together.

My heart is so heavy for them.  Please pray for their healing.

Gestating the Truth

Get it?  Gestating the truth/Just stating the truth.  hahahaha.  So punny!

Soooo, I know everyone is waiting for news and I promise to share with the whole wide world of the interwebs just as soon as I have the green light.  As open as my IPs and I are, this is a very emotion-filled time of waiting, wondering, watching, wishing, and myriad other things that start with "w" and it's understandable that they'd like to process whatever is/isn't to be before we post.  So, please be patient, my friends.  Good things come to those who wait and I promise to post soon!!

Post-Transfer

We did finally get to transfer on Saturday morning and of the three, we had two embryos left that morning.  One 5AA blastocyst and another that was progressing well but didn't have a defined inner mass that could be graded.  We transferred both and the transfer went smoothly.  Dr. Wilcox was positive about our chances and said we did all we could to guarantee a successful pregnancy.

So here I wait....

This is a picture of me going, "This damn thing has only moved one minute since the last time I checked it!"  Time is creeeeping by and I'm over-analyzing every twinge and sensation asking myself, "what does that mean?"  I'm still on medications that make you feel pregnant and make your body think it's pregnant so I can't rely on those symptoms.  This is the part that's hard.  It's not hard to carry a baby and hand him/her/them back to their parents.  It's hard to know all of their dreams are in your hands (or uterus) and that you have done everything you can (including wishing, hoping and praying) but all you can do now is wait.  Wait...wait..wait.  There's nothing more you can do right now to help the situation, except maybe let your IPs know that you're waiting too and it's killing you as well! :)  Misery loves company, right? 

So, here's to a few more days of waiting and maybe we'll start testing somewhere along the way and have some early news.  Our beta isn't scheduled until April 4th, which is FOR-EV-ERRRRRRRRRRRRR away, so I hope we get our + well before then!

Stay tuned and keep those positive thoughts coming!!!  We can feel the love! :)

Delayed transfer

Well, we weren't able to transfer yesterday like we'd hoped. The embryos were frozen with a "slow freeze" and that makes the thawing out run a little behind sometimes. So, we are sitting here waiting on the report on the three embryos today and transferring the best two. I'll update after the transfer!!!

We made it to Cali!

Some quick pictures to share with y'all before I head to bed!!! Transfer in the morning!!!

My IPs have been spoiling us silly!!!! California is fantastic! :)

A very surprising message

Well, we are just hours away from leaving for California and I'm feeling excited, impatient, at ease, hopeful, and happy.  I don't feel at all anxious and that's a little surprising, but I guess it's because I just have such a calm about all of this.  I do wish this day would be done, however!  :)

So, I got a surprising message yesterday and while it will not come to fruition for a year or two, if it even happens, it completely made my day!  To protect this person's privacy, I won't disclose much as it's not my place to accounce someone's parenting choices!

Anyway, I was approached by an old friend about carrying a baby for them, their first child.  We had lunch and joked about this almost 2 years ago and it's kind of funny that they've decided surrogacy is for them and that they really do want me to carry.  I felt so honored and excited and I sincerely hope I'm medically cleared to carry for them when the time arrives.  It was really a special message to get and I hope they know how much it means that they even asked! <3

Now, I'm (not so) patiently waiting for 5 o'clock so I can go home and pack, get my three babies ready for 4 days without me and get to bed early so we're rested for our day tomorrow.  I've already checked us in for our flights and we have massages planned in the morning, so we'll drop off our two oldest at school and the youngest at the sitter.  Then we rendevous with the IPs at LAX!

Our transfer is set for 9:30AM (PST) on Friday at HRC, so please think snuggly thoughts at that time!!!  They have 7 frozen embryos from their first surrogacy so all of them will be thawed and we'll transfer the best.  It'll likely just be the one embryo, but there's a chance we'll do two.  Our goal is one healthy baby though, so everyone think good thoughts, please!  I'm not sure if we'll be testing or not and even if we are, not sure we'll share.  I know, I know, I know!!!  But I want to respect my IM's wishes and I'm leaving it up to her.  After all, this is her journey too. :)

So, I'll probably post from California.  For now, pleasant dreams, little totsicles.  I'll see you in a couple of days! :)