Fall down seven, get up eight

While it hasn't quite been seven times, I do feel like I've had to get myself back up, dust off the dirt and get back on the road to success.

Much has transpired since my last post.  Just as the redness and puffiness left my eyes from weeping over our chemical, I got an email from my IM.  They'd thought it over and after an answer from the egg donor agency they'd used almost six years before, they wanted to try again.  They found the same donor from their first surrogacy journey and she was willing to donate.  So many emotions swept over me.  To sum them up in a word, I had hope again.

The fast and slow of it was that they had to get the donor screened, approved and her legal work done.  As we had a pretty eventful summer (which included an addition to our family, one Great Dane puppy named Hamlet, countless trips and a foot surgery for my husband) we did not notice how long it took to get everything going for a new cycle.  August was to be our new date and we figuratively tore pages off our calendar until there were only days left.

Eagerly awaiting news of the egg donor's retrieval, we bit our nails until we learned they'd retrieved 13 eggs.  Our happiness was clouded when I started bleeding just a week before our transfer.  I was crushed.  I felt like my body had betrayed me.  I felt guilty and disheartened and I hated to hear the news that we'd be postponing the transfer and freezing the embryos.  I knew J really wanted a fresh transfer and I couldn't help but blame myself for the delay.  Worst of all, no one know why I had started bleeding.

After a bit of pouting and pep talks to each other, J and I decided to look on the bright side.  June wasn't just a month for weddings!  It's one for having babies too.  So, we adjusted our plans and prepared for another month of meds, appointments and waiting.

So here we are.  Nearly ten months after meeting and we are on our second attempt at expanding their family.  We have eight frozen embryos at HRC and all graded excellent or good.  My lining was at a 9.6 as of yesterday and flights and a hotel room have been booked.  We are California bound!  Our transfer is set for September 27th at 10:15AM (PST)

J&D have opted to keep things a little more on the quiet side this time; especially on facebook.  It can feel like salt in the wound when you have to explain things over and over again to those that are only trying to offer their support during a time of sadness and disappointment, so I'm blogging as means to document our journey.

I hope to have news to report by the 2nd of October!  Wish us luck. :)

Sad news

We started getting very faint home pregnancy tests on Thursday (5dp5dt) and they got a little darker each day until Sunday.  IM and I were excited but cautious and so we snuck a beta on Tuesday at 10dp5dt.  We were looking for a range of 50 at the very, very least as the RE wanted levels of at least a 100 at 12dp5dt.  Ours was a 20.  Repeat beta yesterday and it was at a 12.  So, we had a chemical pregnancy. 

I'm tired.  It's been a tiring week of hoping and then getting scared and hoping again and getting scared and then the last part was just drawn out longer than it should've been and so when we got results today, it was expected, but not that much less of a pill to swallow.  These were the last two embryos of 7 and my IPs had hopes and dreams for them and now that's gone. 

So, that's how this chapter of our story ends.  Thank you for being so supportive of us. Above all, my IM and I are so happy to have found each other and that if we had to go through this, that it was together.

My heart is so heavy for them.  Please pray for their healing.

Gestating the Truth

Get it?  Gestating the truth/Just stating the truth.  hahahaha.  So punny!

Soooo, I know everyone is waiting for news and I promise to share with the whole wide world of the interwebs just as soon as I have the green light.  As open as my IPs and I are, this is a very emotion-filled time of waiting, wondering, watching, wishing, and myriad other things that start with "w" and it's understandable that they'd like to process whatever is/isn't to be before we post.  So, please be patient, my friends.  Good things come to those who wait and I promise to post soon!!

Post-Transfer

We did finally get to transfer on Saturday morning and of the three, we had two embryos left that morning.  One 5AA blastocyst and another that was progressing well but didn't have a defined inner mass that could be graded.  We transferred both and the transfer went smoothly.  Dr. Wilcox was positive about our chances and said we did all we could to guarantee a successful pregnancy.

So here I wait....

This is a picture of me going, "This damn thing has only moved one minute since the last time I checked it!"  Time is creeeeping by and I'm over-analyzing every twinge and sensation asking myself, "what does that mean?"  I'm still on medications that make you feel pregnant and make your body think it's pregnant so I can't rely on those symptoms.  This is the part that's hard.  It's not hard to carry a baby and hand him/her/them back to their parents.  It's hard to know all of their dreams are in your hands (or uterus) and that you have done everything you can (including wishing, hoping and praying) but all you can do now is wait.  Wait...wait..wait.  There's nothing more you can do right now to help the situation, except maybe let your IPs know that you're waiting too and it's killing you as well! :)  Misery loves company, right? 

So, here's to a few more days of waiting and maybe we'll start testing somewhere along the way and have some early news.  Our beta isn't scheduled until April 4th, which is FOR-EV-ERRRRRRRRRRRRR away, so I hope we get our + well before then!

Stay tuned and keep those positive thoughts coming!!!  We can feel the love! :)

Delayed transfer

Well, we weren't able to transfer yesterday like we'd hoped. The embryos were frozen with a "slow freeze" and that makes the thawing out run a little behind sometimes. So, we are sitting here waiting on the report on the three embryos today and transferring the best two. I'll update after the transfer!!!

We made it to Cali!

Some quick pictures to share with y'all before I head to bed!!! Transfer in the morning!!!

My IPs have been spoiling us silly!!!! California is fantastic! :)

A very surprising message

Well, we are just hours away from leaving for California and I'm feeling excited, impatient, at ease, hopeful, and happy.  I don't feel at all anxious and that's a little surprising, but I guess it's because I just have such a calm about all of this.  I do wish this day would be done, however!  :)

So, I got a surprising message yesterday and while it will not come to fruition for a year or two, if it even happens, it completely made my day!  To protect this person's privacy, I won't disclose much as it's not my place to accounce someone's parenting choices!

Anyway, I was approached by an old friend about carrying a baby for them, their first child.  We had lunch and joked about this almost 2 years ago and it's kind of funny that they've decided surrogacy is for them and that they really do want me to carry.  I felt so honored and excited and I sincerely hope I'm medically cleared to carry for them when the time arrives.  It was really a special message to get and I hope they know how much it means that they even asked! <3

Now, I'm (not so) patiently waiting for 5 o'clock so I can go home and pack, get my three babies ready for 4 days without me and get to bed early so we're rested for our day tomorrow.  I've already checked us in for our flights and we have massages planned in the morning, so we'll drop off our two oldest at school and the youngest at the sitter.  Then we rendevous with the IPs at LAX!

Our transfer is set for 9:30AM (PST) on Friday at HRC, so please think snuggly thoughts at that time!!!  They have 7 frozen embryos from their first surrogacy so all of them will be thawed and we'll transfer the best.  It'll likely just be the one embryo, but there's a chance we'll do two.  Our goal is one healthy baby though, so everyone think good thoughts, please!  I'm not sure if we'll be testing or not and even if we are, not sure we'll share.  I know, I know, I know!!!  But I want to respect my IM's wishes and I'm leaving it up to her.  After all, this is her journey too. :)

So, I'll probably post from California.  For now, pleasant dreams, little totsicles.  I'll see you in a couple of days! :)

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Fresh cycles?? Ain't nobody got time for that!

So we are doing a frozen embryo transfer in six days, people!! My awesome IM made us some really fun shirts to wear for the transfer. If you don't understand them, please google, "Sweet Brown," wipe away your tears and come back here and laugh and laugh and laugh.

:)

The Facebooks

For those of you that are more Facebook friendly than blog-followers, you can keep up with our journey on a more regular basis by checking out my Facebook page!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Carmelas-Surrogacy-Journey/543381649035108?skip_nax_wizard=true

I know, just what you always wanted! Another way to Internet stalk me! :)

Almost 200 hits

And barely any love...what gives?  Was it something I typed?  Can you smell my breath through the internets?  Did I bring up my uterus too early in the conversation?  Did my thighs look big in that post?

Don't be scared.  Hit the "Join This Site"  button or heck, even comment.  I need validation from internet strangers that I'm funny. :)

Here, I'll even give you some ideas:

• "Dear Carmela, I love you more than I love crave cupcakes.  XOXO!"
• "Hey C!  Your blog had me cracking up like humpty dumpty on his worst day!  Keep on posting!"
• "Oh brilliant one.  Where do you come up with this wonderful substance on which to blog?  You inspire me.  I hope to be as amazing as you someday"

All of those are acceptable comments.  There, now that I've gotten you started, feel free to lavish me with legible love!!

TMNT

TMNT...can you guess what that stands for?









Go ahead...











I'll wait...







No, it doesn't stand for "Torturous Maximum Nutrition Test" or "Tumultuous Mischievous Nuisance Tracker."  It stands for this:

Heros in a half shell.  Turtle Power.  (You know you had that in your head!)

So my IPs came in for the weekend for the get-together I mentioned in my last post.  Their sweet son, N, is a fan of the TMNT; as are my kids and this song has been in my head since Saturday! 

Friday night, we met J, D & N at the Cheesecake Factory.  The parking in the Galleria was bananas so we were pretty late, but they were sitting there with smiling faces as my children ran up, I walked in and my husband hobbled over.  (Poor thing ended up slipping on a wet spot with his crutches and hurt his foot even more when he landed on it.  Just wasn't his week!) :)  But, we powered on, errr, HE powered on, I just chatted my IPs' ears off! LOL  The kids played with their devices and we enjoyed our dinner, ending with delicious cheesecake goodness.  (We had the cookie dough cheesecake and it was so amazing!  They had the banana cheesecake and loved it, too).

After a failed attempt at bowling (a 2 hour wait!  That place was hopping!) we decided to call it a night.  The next morning, J and I texted and figured out our plans for the next day.  The first stop was the Alamo Drafthouse at Vintage Park.  We saw Megamind with my two oldest and her son.  It was great!!  If you've never been there, you order your food and can eat, drink and be merry all from the comfort of your theater seat!  Score!  They show new and old movies and they even do interactive events, which are my favorite.  Definitely check it out if you're ever near one. 

So, we drove all the way from the Northwest side of Houston down to the Southeast side to visit the NASA Space Center Houston.  This place recently added an Angry Birds exhibit and my kids go gaga for Angry Birds.  As they walked up to a giant Angry-Bird themed play center, the excitement was building.  My kids have been here twice since that was installed but this was N's first time.  We watched our little ones climb to the tippy-top while J & I sat and visited a little more.  Soon, it was time to explore the rest of the center. 

After that, we headed to Whole Foods before hitting the dinner party (on the West side of Houston).  We put some major mileage on that vehicle this weekend!!!  We arrived and instantly starting chatting up a storm with the other IMs/Surrogates while our children ran circles around our friend, H's house.  She has an AMAZINGLY beautiful home and is so laid back about the kiddos being there.  It was nice to relax and visit.  I also got to hug our beloved matchmaker, A.  I really need to send her flowers or something for bringing J and I together.  After a long night, we headed back across town to pick up my car which was a few miles from the hotel J was staying at for the weekend.  CURSES!  I'd forgotten my purse at H's.  I had the good fortune to be parked outside my BFF's apartment and she was rolling up as we got there.  My daughter and I hopped in her car and she hooked my son up with some Netflix.  45 mins. later, I crashed in her pad around midnight.  It had been an exhausting but wonderful day!

J, D & N headed home that Sunday in the rain but I'd like to think their sunny smiles kept them warm.  She was working on Transfer-Day shirts for us this morning and booked our hotel rooms for the transfer.  I'm ecstatic to report that I will have a beach view for my bed rest!  Oh, what a hard, hard life I live!!  ;) 

I cannot believe that we will be pregnant next week!!  It's like a fairytale how wonderfully things have gone.  I couldn't be happier and I can't wait to wear our designer shirts!!! :D

Shots, ultrasounds and dinner

Well, I had my second lining check today and things are looking great.  Lining is measuring about 8 or 9 and we have the coveted triple-stripe.  To be honest, I've forgotten what all of that means other than I know it's nice and fluffy in there and that's what you want when you're trying to convince an embryo to snuggle in!

My estrogen shots are going well.  I'm on 20 mg/ml of Estradiol Valerate every three days and last night, I was upped to 40 mg/ml every three days.  We should start Progesterone in about 8 days or so.  I have lozenges and vaginal suppositories to take for that so luckily, not more shots.  My husband gave me my first two but the poor thing has torn a tendon in his foot and has been hobbling about so I sent him to bed and he passed out pretty quickly.  I stood there for about 10 minutes before I got up the nerve to inject myself.  True, I did this over a 100 times the last pregnancy, but those first few pokes make me a little nervous.  As I hesitated a little, it hurt a little more, but not much.  It's like my IM said.  Do it like you'd pull off a bandaid; quickly! :) 

In other news, we finally get to meet J, D and their son N!! :D  They're driving as I type and will be hanging out in Houston for the weekend.  Tonight we're going to dinner and bowling and we'll have two of our three with us.  Our youngest is just a few days over 3 and if you thought the saying "terrible twos" was accurate, you've not experience "traumatic threes!"  :)  She's my sweet little princess but man, she's a handful!!  Plus, I think it's a bit much to ask a 3 year old to sit still for dinner and then behave during bowling for more than 15 mins. and it'll be past her bedtime, so I figure it's just best for her to hang out and get some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa.  She'll enjoy all of the special attention.  J&D will have to experience that fun another time! :)  One where my husband can be tagged in and partake in the running around.

I hope to post a picture or two from our meeting!  We'll see if J&D are camera shy. :)  They might just want to stay anonymous for funsies!

TWO WEEKS from today!!!!!! :D  I cannot wait!!  The nice part about getting contracts and legal, psych, med. done is that you can sit back and enjoy the anticipation.  It's really humbling to be working with such wonderful people and I can't wait to give J a big hug!

Tomorrow, we're having an informal get together of surrogates and former/future/current IMs at my friend, H's house.  She has the MOST gorgeous house!! (It's true!  She won garden of the month once!)  So, tomorrow morning, I'll pick up J (D&N are going to hang out with family while in town) and she, my two oldest and I will hang out around town having lunch, shopping and just getting to know each other even more.  We'll be having dinner with our surrogacy buddies and then I'll drop her off so she can recooperate at her hotel.

What a fun weekend!!

Check!

Before any trip, we like to make checklists.  Well, when I say, "we" I mean my husband actually makes the lists. However, I do enjoy checking things off of lists.  So, there are several things we've been able to check off our list this week:

Medical Screenings
Blood work
Flight Arrangements
Contracts
Mental Evaluation
Receiving Medications

As soon as I start my period, I can call the nurse and we'll start meds.  I got a big box of meds the other day:

Surrogates are some of the only people in the world that are happy to get medications.  It means things are about to get really interesting!

This week has been a whirlwind.  At the end of last week, my IM nonchalantly mentioned my psych evaluation that we needed to get done.  We had originally scheduled it in early February, but were going to wait until medical screenings were completed, so we postponed the appointment.  I was supposed to follow up with the psychologist after we got the all clear for medical screenings.  Well, we just got that like yesterday...but with the new job and all that happened last week, I forgot to call her.  Well, she's out of town this week.  I vaguely remember her mentioning that but had thought we'd have it taken care of in plenty of time.  Oh boy.  I think between my IM and me, we called every psychologist in Texas, and a few other states.  To save you time, we ended up getting it taken care of around 11AM today.  Whew!

Incidentally, the clinic needed clearance for that and legal clearance by ummmm....TODAY!!  So, our contracts were finally finished up yesterday.  My husband and I zipped over to get ours notarized and then my IPs got theirs notarized in Louisiana.  So, as of this morning, we had mental and legal clearance.  (And medical too as they finally got the all clear on blood work!)  Talk about waiting until the LAST minute!  Not that I feel like it was any fault of my IPs or me...haha.  Okay, maybe a smidgen my fault. :) 

So, tomorrow is my first monitoring appointment to check the lining of my uterus.  My uterus?  You mean you haven't met?  Oh, well let me introduce you to my amazing uterus. 

You see that teardrop shape?  Well, that's supposed to be perfect shape when you're looking at the uterus that's been expanded for inspection.  Believe me, I heard about it for 5 mins. from the RE.  He kept remarking about how it looked like I hadn't ever had children because it was in such good shape.  Errmmm.....thank you? :)

So, all of that's to say that things are going smoothly.  I'll check in after my lining monitoring!

California update

Hello y'all!  I'm sorry that my California update has been so delayed.  I started my new job on Tuesday and my husband was out of town from Sunday to Wednesday and apparently I am spoiled and rely on him for many, many things such as sleep, laundry, and riot control when I cook dinner.  (If you have three or more children, you'll understand). 

On to California...

The trip was a success.  Dr. Wilcox exclaimed that I have a nice uterus and that you couldn't ask for a better start.  He also said whomever was working with me was lucky, including him.  Awwww.  Everyone knows that the way to a surrogate's heart is through her uterus. ;) 

So, we did a little more bloodwork and are just waiting for that, and my husband's results, to come back.  We're also in the midst of contracts and are hoping to wrap all of that up this week.

Four weeks from now, we will be transferring!!  I cannot wait to go back to California.  The weather was wonderful and it was a quintessential Cali day while I was there.  Sunshine, not too hot or cold, a little breeze.  Oh to have that weather everyday.  Best of all, no humidity!

As I was traveling alone, on Valentine's Day, I made the most of my time alone and did the Warner Bros. tour in Burbank.  It was really cool!  I even had the chance to sit on the actual couch from the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. set!!  I declined to do so as I really want to go back with my husband and take a picture there for the first time, together. :) 

So, my next surrogacy-related appointment will be March 1st for a monitoring ultrasound and I'll also start meds that day.  I cannot believe that's just next week!!!!

Stay tuned. :)

California here we come

If you were around circa 2003, you might have heard of a little show called, "The O.C." 

I was obsessed with that show and I made my, then long-distance boyfriend, now husband watch it with me and we’d sit on the phone and watch it together.  I know, I know, you’re thinking, “LAME!” and rolling your eyes smugly.  Well, it wasn’t lame, we didn’t have skype and texting and all of that jazz back then so we communicated in two ways.  The phone and Instant Messenger.  Go ahead, go Google “instant messenger” and I’ll wait. 

Back from your trip to 1999?   (P.S.  I know instant messaging is still around, but find me someone that’s used it on a daily basis and bring them to me so I can look them in the eye and then walk them over to get them a text messaging plan that fits their data usage needs.)

Tangent!  Okay, let’s continue! 

So the show’s theme song was a nice number called, “California” by Phantom Planet.  I loved this song.  The lyrics start with, “California here we come” and it’s so fitting because California, here I come!

I checked in this morning and I’m in section A to board, which is nice b/c I dislike waiting and I dislike sitting in the middle.  Now, window seat or aisle seat?  Probably window because I love to look outside and because I won’t have to get up if some joker has to pee five times. 

My flight leaves at 6:30AM Texas time tomorrow morning and then I meet with the clinic for my screenings.  Afterwards, I’m checking into my hotel and then headed for a tour of the Warner Bros. studio.  I’m really excited about that!  Then, I’m ordering room service and indulging in hours of uninterrupted Lifetime network bliss!!

In the background, we’re working on contracts and psych evals and all of that other groundwork that has to be put into place before anyone will let me get pregnant.  As our psychologist puts it, “We have to see if you’re crazy enough to do this again.”  :)  The answer is, most definitely.

So, I’ll catch up with y’all when I get back from California.  :)

Anyone who's ever been apart of surrogacy knows it can take many phone calls to plan out the early details of the process. Just this week alone, I'm sure I've logged several hours of chat time with my IM, the clinic, the nurse, pychologists, and my doctors to get things coordinated. Luckily, my IM and I are so much alike that we both like to get things planned and sorted out in advance. We're both flexible (because you absolutely HAVE to be with surrogacy!) and can adapt to change, but there's something about having tentative dates that makes my inner control freak say, "Ahhhhh!"

A lot has happened since my last post:

• I am starting a new job on February 19th. I am lucky enough to be leaving a very good job and joining a great place closer to home with a little less of a demanding schedule. Being a mom of three makes for a very busy calendar, so this was a move that felt right for this time in my life.

• I'm flying to California for a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and mock transfer on February 14th! Yes, V-day will now stand for Vagina-Day! (Thank you to my surro-friend, Meredith, for that) This will be my first trip to California (and I have a short layover in Phoenix so that will also add Arizona to the states I've been to...and yes, I'm counting it b/c I can!) so I'm really excited. It also means that things are starting to get real!

• I met my friend A for a drink Thursday. "What's the big deal?" you ask? Well, it's a HUGE deal because the friend was someone I'd never met before! I actually met A through my last blog. She was a potential IM that emailed me and we hit it off instantly. I was pregnant with baby L (first surrogacy journey) and we exchanged emails often. She's also the one that sent me the lovely Margarita bouquet in the hospital when I delivered. As you can imagine, I was incredibly thrilled to finally meet her and give her the big hug I'd been saving for so long! She's the proud mommy of twins now, but was able to sneak away for some girl talk. We chatted away for 2.5 hours and it felt like it was 2.5 minutes!! Needless to say, it felt like we were old friends and I can't wait to hang out with her again. -We received a tentative transfer calendar! Dates are still being discussed, but I'm 90% sure we'll be transferring on March 22nd! We're doing a "needle-free" protocol, but that's a bit of a misnomer as there are estrogen shots. Of course, those are nothing like the PIO shots I did with my first journey. Truth be told, I was almost bummed when I heard we weren't doing shots. I know, I'm weird!!! This from the girl that used to pass out at the sight of needles. Anyway, once I regained my sense, I was completely fine but it will be interesting to see if the vaginal suppositories are really as messy as everyone says. As long as they WORK, that's all I care about. :)

• The least important and exciting thing is that I had to sit through 2.5 days of insurance training. For anyone that cares, I was at a Certified Insurance Counselor institute in Houston. This particular one was a Property Institute. I know, you're just dying to know what a bunch of insurance nerds do at their secret insurance classes, right? We read policies, laugh at unbelievable claims pictures and make lame insurance jokes. There, treasures of the insurance world unveiled! :) I only share this part because I want the world to know how dedicated we insurance people are to covering the world's ass(ets). So, it's on to contracts for us. We have to have all of our legal finished by March 1st. It should be plenty of time but things never go according to plan, so it's nice to have some time in there for any delays. Luckily, J and I have hashed most everything out and this ain't our first rodeo (there's your Texas reference) so I feel like it should be a pretty smooth process.

One thing I want to comment on is my first journey. Surrogacy journeys are like onions. Oh wait, no, that's ogres.

Surrogacy journeys are like children. Just like you don't love one child over another, you treat your journeys as separate and special times in your life. Sure, you pick up things from the first experience and apply them to the second. You know a little more and you're a little more comfortable. So, each experience is unique, even if similarities exist between the two. I think having one journey under your belt can help to enrich the next, but they are indeed individual experiences that do not replace one another. So, my first IPs and baby L will always have a special place in my heart. And just as my heart grew to fit my second and third children, I feel like my heart's growing a special spot for J, D and their son N. I'm thankful for reasons to grow and can't wait to tell them to clear a spot for a new little one in their hearts!

Surrogacy part Duex

Come with me on my journey to a land...far, far away. A land where few have dared traveled. A land called...surrogacy world! Where 10,000 at-home pregnancy tests are sold every minute! Where the question, "should I pee yet?" is unanimously answered with a resounding, "Yes!" Where it's perfectly natural to have 5 people in the room while you get pregnant. We're on a surrogacy journey to the center of the birth!

As this is my second surrogacy, I won't be going into all of the basics like I did with my first blog so if you're wanting more background information, I'd recommend you start there. This blog focuses on my new journey with J&D, intended parents extraordinaire and our goal to make their son, N, a big brother!

Today, we agreed to officially be "matched" and embark on our quest of that wonderful nine month journey called pregnancy. We are gearing up for an April transfer and will be using frozen embryos created during their previous IVF cycle. Their clinic is in California, so I'll fly out there for an initial meeting/mock transfer and then once again for the real thing. Dr. Wilcox is the RE and he's been very helpful and friendly, which is what you always want when a stranger is going to get you knocked up. :)

J&D are friends of my friend, A, who also is apart of the closely-knit surrogacy world. I was honored when A thought of me as she knew they were looking for a surrogate and feel blessed to have had them placed in my life. J and I hit it off from the very beginning and I knew we would be fast friends when I immediately felt comfortable being my goofy, normal chatty self on the phone.

April seems so far away but I know it will be here before we know it! I'm using the time leading up to the transfer wisely and working to lose another 15 lbs so I can be that much healthier for the big day.

It's 10PM and I can hardly sleep because I'm so excited. Judging by the texts from J, they're excited too!! I'm so thankful to be apart of something so amazing and to have someone trust in me so much. Being a surrogate is such an honor. You get back just as much as you give.